Well God certainly does answer prayers.. I for sure thought I might not of come out of the filter procedure alive. Just want to say thank you and that I appreciate all the prayers that went out for me. God listens..

Well, it started out as a regular sunday afternoon, Pat and I were going out to Montauk Point and got a call from Mom on our way there, she was able to finagle us into coming over her house for BBQ, a repeat of yesterday.  I didn’t mind, and neither did Pat, so we hooked a louie and made our way on over to Mom’s backyard.

As my usual, 3 hour limit came to a head, I suggested that we go for a car ride, was a nice day and the top was already down. Dianne had to check out a car stero from PC Richards anyway. Well we got there, and par for the course, I was drawn to the laptops, copmuter gizmoes and what not, they had a great sale going on but we were one day short!

None to worry though, Pat talked to the manager and was able to get him to lower the price a fair amount! Yes, you heard it folks, I am writing my latest post on my brand spanking new lap top, fweeeeeeeeeeeee!

Pat is awsome, he is always taking care of me, he knows I need this for school so he indulged

Thanks Pat, I love my new Lap Top!

Happy birthday Mom

You’ve raised me to be a  compasionate, loving, forgiving, polite young lady. All these virtues I have learned by your example. All my life you have shown me the strength a woman needs to be a resiliant mother, wife and friend.  You’ve taught me that before all Jesus is always first in our hearts.

These lessons in life have brought me to where I am now, and I am still continuously learning by your example and friendship. You are my best friend, my mentor and voice of reason. I know I can depend on you to keep my secrets and always support me  as long as I am safe and happy.

I have many fond memories of my childhood, they outweight all the harships and bad memories I have had. When I look back I am blinded by your love, I forget all the hurt in my life, and all I can see if your uncoditional love radiating through the strands of time.

For every scraped knee you kissed, and broken heart you mended, I am eternally greatful for you love and kindness.

Happy 63 birthday Mom, I love you.

All little girls have faerie tale dreams, when I was a little girl, I had fantasies of a beautiful victorian house with a wrap around porch, it was always summer time, the grass was high, right before it needed a mow. I come out of the house, I can hear the screen door rattle against the wooden frame as the door swings shut behind me. I’m wearing a lovely cotten summer dress with flower embroidery, my hair is down and flowing, catching the sun rays, highlighting the specs of auburn in my hair, cascading down my back and shoulders like a dark waterfall.

I’m carrying a wooden tray, two glasses of home brewed black tea on ice, perfectly sweetned, fashioned with a wedge of lemon on the side of the glass. I see my  husband out in the front yard playing with a young boy, around 4 years old, he has sandy blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He’s smiling and laughing, his voice echos in the wind and his joy fills my ears.

There’s a young girl, about 6 or 7 years old, with long dark brown hair just like her mother, light brown eyes, hazel with flects of green when the sun catches just right. She’s running with her arms wide open to her Daddy, who has silver hair dusting his shoulders, He laughs and scoops her up into a swinging hug, her giggles fill the air now with her brothers and He falls to the gorund playing possum as the children pounce on Him wrestling and playing happily.

I smile and watch from the porch, taking a seat on the steps,  I call out to him, waving but my voice is faded, muffled by the sound of childrens laughter. He sees me, smiles with his whole heart, completely happy, I can see it in his deep blue eyes the joy that he has found in His family.

When I was younger I said a prayer to God, I told Him exactly how much and what I needed in a Man, a Husband.

I asked God for a Man with blue eyes, a kind face and a warm smile. I asked God for  Man that would always care for me and be tender in His heart and feelings toward me and our children. I asked God that He would be kind to my Mother and family, and that We would always be the glue that held Our life together. I prayed to God, telling Him what qualitie I was looking for in a Mate.

I actually made a list, I had conidtions for God, My soul mate did not have to be perfect, but loving and kind and always understanding, willing to work together and always try just one more time, never giving up on God, Love, or Family.

I remember I also asked God that He would like to play the guitar, like to dance and most of all, have a heart for Jesus. Jesus has been the focal point of My life for as long as I could comprehend the meaning of God’s love and forgiveness.

I did not have many conditions for My love, but the ones I had were very important. I asked God with the whispers of My thoughts for someone that would always love me, that would care for me, be conserned of my well being and love Me as much as I loved them or more, uncondtional love, love with out flaw. You do not have to be perfect to have perfect love.

Flaws bring character to a person, it is what makes them unique. I love you Pat with all of my heart. Thank you for being by my side for these last few years and going on with Me into Our future. Only God knows if all of my dreams can come true.. but I know for one thing, He did bring Me to You..

God works in mysterious ways, I believe that God has the ultimate plan and knows what is best for us all. I know that God placed You in my life to help me overcome many fears, many heart aches, and all of My worries. We can not change the past but can make a better future. Everything that has happened to Us has brought us where We are today.

I am thankful to God that He answered my childhood prayers, that God sent an angel to whipe away the tears, to heal the broken heart, and to mend the open wounds. Circumstances prevented Me from ever truly knowing love like You have shown me. I love You with all of my heart, every breath that leaves My body will always whipser of Our love.

I know God sent You to me in a time of need, since then, You have been supportive, understanding, loving and kind. You have shown Me that there is no end to Your love, You have shown me that Your love is unconditonal and everlasting.

Thank You for loving Me.

The smell of cotton candy and popcorn in the air, children laughing, rides whirring, balloons popping at the games. It was quite wonderful,a  beautiful symphony of child hood fun. 

Pat took me to the brook haven fair today, we shared zepolies, fried dough powdered in sugar. we tried a fried twinkie that was rather messy but well worth it.

He won me two prizes, a little panda bear with a red heart, and a pink plush rose.

I had an absolutely great time, it definitely lifted my spirits, im having a great day.

Things seem to be going smoother lately, i feel i am more in love with Pat then i ever have been.. each day that goes by i love him more and more, dont get more wrong, there are some days sailing that we do hit a rough patch of water, but he seems to have a better understanding of me.

plus we were intimate in away that we haven been in a long time, and it seriously boosted my self esteem, for a while there i thought there was something wrong with me, something i was doing wrong or was wrong about me. 

i was afraid to talk to him about it because it always seemed to bring up bad blood. but one night i was able to muster the courage and he actually saw things from my eyes, and he did something very special for me that ive been waiting for, for a long time.. 

and ive got to tell you, it was mind blowing. i felt so wanted, so loved, so desired and needed, it was awsome. definately gave me a pep up and encouraged me to do more for him.. soon as this damn cable guy comes im going to start cooking dinner so we can go out and have a picnick this eve.

meatloaf sandwhiches mmmm..

i dont know where to start.. im not sure im in the place im suposed to be. i not really aware of my surroundings or my purpose. ive been trying to get closer to you and at times have felt your presence more than usual and i thank you for that. but why am i here?

i dont feel i have had any sucess in my life. very relationship i have had that i have given my whole heart to.. has turned on me, rejected me, hurt me or used me. and i feel as of now, im starting down that same downward spiral. im not sure if he really understands why he loves me. im not sure he knows what love is. he treats me well, takes care of me, and is always kind. but so are many people to their friends.. maybe we are just suposed to be best friends and not lovers..

i am always falling short of his expectations, he admited to begining to feel resentment towards me.. so not only does he not know why he loves me, but he is begining to hate me as well. thats what resentment means you know? heres the defination: 

Resentment: def - 

i dont know what im doing.. i only surrender to your will and plan of my life lord.. just whatever it may be, please dont let me be hurt again.

so i was given this book called “the love dare”  its a 40 day step program to help you love someone truly. a list of selfless acts put together into a book to help progress relationships past a bad point. going to try it, hope it works. things seem hard lately.

Sometimes I don’t know where to start, i have no beginning, and i have no end, I’m just sorta stuck in the middle. tried creating a piece of art work, turned out horribly, i am so out of practice or just don’t have the patience.

Last night I had a really weird dream. I was in this city that decided to go underground because the sun was getting too hot and it could scorch the people living there and everyone would die, so they packed up an built a city underground. Centuries later when they thought it was safe to return to the surface city they came to found that it was inhabited by new generation of people. it was fecking wild.